What to Do When You Dont Like Your Church Anymore

T HAPPENED TO US. WE WERE STUNNED!

My husband, Roger'southward, mother had died, and we were on a plane en road to the funeral with our simply daughter and her family. Our daughter gently explained to me that she and her family no longer attended church and that she did not want to continue the pretense. Furthermore, she did not want to talk over it.

Our hearts were at present doubly grieved. Our first man reaction was to talk most information technology; surely at that place was something about this beautiful message that they misunderstood. But this definitely was not the time.

Throughout the years—both from personal experience and from numerous discussions with church building leaders—Roger and I have learned many things about how to handle an occasion when someone says to you, "I don't want to go to church anymore."* Hither are suggestions for friends, for parents, and for church leaders on how to cope with that situation.

If you lot are a friend :

The nearly successful approach is to avoid conflict—exercise not argue or become defensive. Arguing results only in higher walls of defensiveness. In club to maintain an open span for communication, it is vital to remain friends. Set bated fourth dimension to actually listen to youth and immature adults every bit to why they have made this conclusion, without being judgmental or denying them the right to their feelings. They might retrieve church building is besides deadening, it is non relevant, or they have no friends at that place. Explore when they began feeling that fashion. Was information technology triggered by a particular incident? Spiritual aloofness ordinarily begins with nonattendance at Sabbath school. Y'all may want to check out the church programs for yourself. Is there a vibrant Sabbath school programme? If not, network with your church leaders to provide interesting and relevant spiritual programming.

Youth and young adults similar to be able to recall for themselves. Foster a thinking climate in which they can explore what the church teaches, in which they tin discover the principles and biblical support behind Seventh-twenty-four hours Adventist doctrines, and in which they tin determine the church's relevance for today's world. They should be able to feel comfy request questions as they sort through their values and make their own choices.

If you are a parent:

Parents demand tact and wisdom equally they deal with this situation. Youth and young adults don't want religion "pushed downwardly their throats"; yet, it is still appropriate for parents to institute Christian standards of behavior. In lodge to have the kind of wisdom needed to address the issue in a loving and counterbalanced way, much prayer, thought, and tact are required.

Former Adventist Review editorial assistant Ella Rydzewski recounted a conversation she had with Roger Morneau (Adventist Review, Dec. 13, 2001, p. vi), during which he gave this bit of wisdom for parents of grown children: "He said parents should not talk to their children about religion unless asked, for they have probably acquired enough of it over the years that they at present accept 'religious indigestion.' He advised that parents pray daily and fervently for these children and pray for themselves that they remain loving and accepting. Children of any age need to 
meet the fruits of the Holy Spirit in the lives of their parents if they are to detect parental faith attractive."

Youth and young adults frequently announce on Sabbath morning that they don't want to attend church building services. A parent might answer past saying, "We will miss you, and nosotros will talk most it this afternoon." This will give the parent time to think and pray about the situation before talking to their son or girl. Or the parent may prefer to write their child a alphabetic character (if this is the best style  to avoid disharmonize) and share a personal experience by proverb: "I used to feel the same way (if the parent did), and this is what helped me reconnect." Encourage the young person to hang in with the family unit and observe ways to piece of work through their feelings. Schedule family council fourth dimension when the family tin brainstorm ways to handle the situation. Just whatever happens, do not argue—just listen carefully and clarify what the family unit member is saying.

Walk the talk by living a life consequent with what you teach. Youth and young adults are very perceptive, and they learn more from what they notice than from what they hear. A famous lecturer was once asked for his parenting communication. His answer was: "In that location are 3 most important principles—example, instance, example." This truth is highlighted by these words from Ellen White: "It is considering so many parents and teachers profess to believe the Word of God while their lives deny its power, that the teaching of Scripture has no greater effect upon the youth" (Instruction, p. 259).

Teach that organized religion is basically a thing of relationships—with God and with one another—that demonstrate God'due south beloved. Our beloved for one some other will prove to the world that nosotros are Christ's disciples (see John thirteen:35). Codes of beliefs and a system of beliefs volition follow naturally as the love of Christ changes the middle, even equally information technology has changed the heart of the parents. This represents a grace orientation rather than a law orientation and is demonstrated by a home that is warm, supportive, and a place where children tin can inquire questions without feeling threatened.

Be willing to talk with your teenagers about your ain personal faith. This is not about explaining doctrines, merely about what Jesus means to yous and what God is doing for you personally. Deport interesting family unit worships, preferably in the morning and evening. This provides an opportunity to teach your children how to pray conversationally and how to utilise the Bible so information technology provides spiritual nourishment.

Work on ways to make the Sabbath special and church interesting. A good place to outset is by visiting your child's Sabbath school to find out how its programs are conducted. Are they interesting and relevant?

When her daughter announced that she no longer wanted to go to church, a parent in our church told her, "If you will become to church building with me this week, I will stay home and worship together with you next week. Sabbath is a day that the family needs to be together." Her teen was not eager to spend Sabbath at habitation with Mom. Then this parent worked with her daughter to find a way for her to aid in the children's division. The teen really enjoyed pedagogy the children, and Sabbath school attendance was no longer a problem.

If your teen feels they take no friends at church, hither are some things you may want to effort:

• Ask another immature adult to call or invite your son or girl to a church program.

• Assistance your church in providing other church building activities that will help the youth to become meliorate acquainted with one another, and piece of work together with other church leaders by helping in Pathfinders, assisting with a community service project, or planning Sabbatum nighttime activities. Relationships are very, very important to youth and will do much to hold them in the church building.

• Notify your pastor discreetly and confidentially about your young developed's apathy. Your pastor can then encourage church leaders to accomplish out to them at this disquisitional fourth dimension and can make a indicate of touching base with them. Above all, the pastor tin certainly pray for them.

If y'all are a church leader:

Here are some very workable and practical supportive projects that would encourage those who are faced with the challenge of winning dorsum the confidence of their youth and immature adults:

Set up a Web site for parents and friends who are concerned about their youth. List helpful, accessible resource. For starters, this article and others like it could be listed. You may contact this writer for a free PowerPoint presentation on the topic.† Another splendid resource is an article by John Van Eyk, "The Influencing of Searching Minds—How to Make a Public Higher Student Feel Office of the Church," Adventist Review, June 20, 2002 (world wide web.adventistreview.org/2002-1525/story3.html).

Organize a prayer grouping for parents concerned most their children. It could meet during wednesday prayer service or another fourth dimension convenient to the parents. We have i at our church.

Keep in touch on with the youth in your church who are attending school away from home past sending them church bulletins and newsletters, and past giving them warm welcomes during holiday breaks and vacation times. Encourage the parents to subscribe and send periodicals and devotional materials geared to this historic period grouping. For college and university students, consider sending them the international journal of faith, thought, and activeness called Dialogue, which is published in four languages by the Full general Briefing Education Section. To subscribe, y'all tin contact the Education Section in your local conference or union part.

Create and foster a warm, accepting, nonjudgmental climate. Church members need to learn that we should not criticize those whose wearing apparel, music, or lifestyle habits are different from our own. People grow spiritually and emotionally only as they experience loved and accepted. Anybody who steps into one of our churches should experience welcome and wanted—part of the family.

Church members must be intentional about involving our youth in the lives of our congregations. Give them an opportunity to use their talents past start giving them lesser responsibilities and and then increasing them equally they grow into the positions. They could even work with a mentor equally they take on a leadership role in the church.

Set upward a spiritual guardian program. My habitation church pairs a spiritual guardian with a newly baptized youth between the ages of 13 and 19. Guardians are asked to volunteer for this ministry by calling the youth Sabbath school director.

My Own Story

At the showtime of this article I shared my husband's and my heartache when our daughter and her family unit decided to leave the church building. We responded by placing a high priority on maintaining a warm human relationship with them—a span for them to return. We had to refrain from talking about religion, but in private nosotros spent many hours in tears and in prayer 
for them. This went on for ten long and anxious years. Then one day our daughter called u.s.a. and said, "Mom, Dad, I received a alphabetic character from the church building hither request former members to come back for just a visit to check them out and run across how they take changed. Well, a number of things have happened in my life that have impressed me to take this invitation. I will see for myself whether they accept inverse and how they volition care for me. Just don't go your hopes upwards as well loftier, because I have no idea what the outcome of all this will be."

We redoubled our intercessory prayers on her behalf. And certain enough, God was directing. On that Sabbath she was warmly welcomed by the church building members as well as the pastor, who took her under her fly. It was not long until our daughter invited us to her rebaptism. We know from personal experience that information technology takes both loving acceptance and many, many prayers to bring back God's precious lambs.

May God bless us all every bit we prayerfully go on in touch with the youth and immature adults in our homes and churches. Each one is of priceless value and needs to know that they are of import to God and to us.

"For I will fence with those who fence with yous, and I volition save your children" (Isa. 49:25, NRSV). ^‡

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*Information for this article was also gleaned past talking with youth specialists working at Andrews University: Roger Dudley, director of the Establish of Church Ministry at the AU Theological Seminary; campus chaplain Timothy Nixon; and Ronald Whitehead, manager of the Center for Youth Evangelism.

†For a free PowerPoint plan to install on your Spider web site, electronic mail: [e-mail protected]

‡Bible texts credited to NRSV are from the New Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright " 1989 past the Division of Christian Didactics of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the UsaA. Used by permission.

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Margaret G. Dudley, Ph.D., is a counselor and retired Andrews University kinesthesia member who prays that this article will bring encouragement to all who are concerned virtually the spiritual experience of their children and others dear to them. She and her husband, Roger, accept coauthored ii books on union.

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Source: https://adventistreview.org/2008-1519/2008-1519-14/

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